115. Don't send them if they are different.

115. Don’t send them if they are different


All children, and indeed all adults, are different from one another no matter how we choose to package and process them. Each has their own unique way of being, their own temperament, and way of learning. They are different in the time of day they function best, in the way their needs express themselves and in what effectively satisfies those needs. Individuals have different tolerances for forced compliance, for curtailment of liberties and denial of those needs. Individual ideas about the world and unique experiences in it shape who they are. Yet when in school, they are expected to look and behave the same, learn the same thing at the same time in the same way and to be grateful.

Differentness is something to be acknowledged, celebrated and encouraged. Each unique individual has their own gifts to bring to the world. Yet we make judgements and put people into groups that shape our expectations and limit each child’s expression of who they are. All men are not alike, all women are not alike, all Black people are not alike, all white people are not alike, all Muslims are not alike, all gay men are not alike, all single parents are not alike, and all people with disabilities are not alike. But we pigeon hole our young to get them to accept a limited life, a life divided and communities divided by unreasonable groupings on a single trait.

Schools force compliance to norms. This compliance, especially to externally defined norms, cannot foster tolerance of difference. It seems that being different, not complying to the norms, sets children apart and opens them to hostility and bullying. Prejudices based on artificial groupings act as the selection process for those bullies who have an irresistible need to displace their anger onto someone else. (Bullycide p84) (see also bullying section)

A friend of mine, whose nine-year-old son was being bullied, visited the school to discuss this. The teacher remarked that, as he was vegan, he was ‘different’ and therefore would be picked on. She also suggested that it was his mother’s fault for making him ‘different’ that ‘caused’ the other kids to pick on him. Another friend’s daughter in primary school was ‘different’, quite innocent, not into boys, earrings and clothes at age 10. At school, she had no friends, was left out, made fun of and became deeply unhappy.

The torture of having to choose between denial of who you truly are to gain acceptance, or to be who you are and face rejection, is a daily battle most of our children have to face. From those hiding their brightness in fear of being seen as swots to those who may be gay and all manner of expressions of individuality along the way, school hampers the development of strong individuals at ease with themselves.

One ‘group’ particularly vulnerable to bullying and abuse are those that are or appear to be gay.

115. different